The Enigmatic Musings of a Cynical Mind
Thursday, January 01, 2004
I've MOVED
You'll have to come over and visit me at my new site. HERE
Be sure to update your blogrolls.
I need some MT help!
If there is anyone that is sober and knows anything about Moveable type I have a problem that I need help on. When I post a new entry to MT it shows up at the publisher site as being published but when you view site it's not there. I have rebuilt the site and everything else repeatedly and nothing. Someone help me please!!!!!
Tuesday, December 30, 2003
Why am I glad Christmas is over?
You wanna know why I'm glad Christmas is over? Well one reason is I can finally stop going around saying "Fa La La La La, French Vanilla!" Damn the Cool Whip people and their catchy adverts!!!!
The Great Christmas Eve Coup (or "Don't Make Me Call Santa!!!")
Something funny happened last week. Santa became my secret weapon. Yes Santa is the last resort for parents of hyperactive, excited over anxious kids who are hyped up on holiday sugar. When all else fails and around this time of year IT DOES use the old Kringle Connection. Time Out? yeah right. Spankings? Thank you Sir, may I have another? I'm gonna call Santa! "Oh please please please don't call Santa! We'll be good. We promise!" This is how it went down;
The Babyboy and Babygirl were full of holiday energy. (Not having school for two weeks they were in the process of killing each other, destroying their rooms or driving The Wife and me stark raving mad.) I had tried all the usual threats and even followed through on a few. Alas, to no avail. Finally in a last ditch effort to save the shreds of authority in my dictatorship I picked up the phone, held it over my head like the Olympic Torch and announced.
"THAT'S IT, I'M CALLING SANTA!"
A look of puzzlement came over the faces of the two guerilla warriors. The rebel leader "Blonde1" posed the one word question "Why?" "Because mom and I have had enough of dealing with naughty kids who don't pay attention to what we say."
To further emphasize the point I "fake" dialed (ASIDE: Can we still say dialed even though we don't dial a number any more? hmmmmm)
Me: Santa? This is me. I have two naughty kids here who are being bad.
(wait a few seconds, act like I'm listening to Santa) We tried to tell them to be good but they wont listen. I don't think they want any presents tonight. You can just give them to some good little boy or girl who listens to their parents."
The rebels are watching me with their mouths open. From time to time they speak the words of surrender "We'll be good. We'll be good Daddy." Smiling inwardly (effectively pulling said muscle that allows you to smile inwardly) I continued.(Power corrupts)
ME: "What was that Santa? Give them another chance? I don't know....they have been pretty bad."
At this point Babyboy jumps up and rushes the phone in a suicide run worthy of any Al Quiada terrorist. "Let me talk to Santa. I want to talk to Santa."
Holding the phone out of reach I tell him. "Santa says he is really busy and doesn't have time to talk to bad boys and girls." The jaw drops. (absolute power corrupts absolutely) After a few well placed "OKs" I bid farewell and have a nice trip tonight be careful to "Santa" and hang up the phone. I then inform the rebels that Santa told me if they are not good from now on they will not get any presents on Christmas morning. They agree to the terms and I leave the the table having crushed this uprising. Or had I...?
A few minutes later a courier (we shall call him "Wet1") for the rebellion enters my headquarters (The Living room) and approaches my throne (Lazy boy). Shocked that he would dare interrupt me without being summoned. He informs me that the rebel leader, "Blonde1" ,says she doesn't want any presents." I seethe at the impertinence of the statement. I know her game and like "Dubya" I am determined to stamp out terrorism in my household and those who support it. I will not submit to their demands. "Ok then she wont get any." I state offhandedly and dismiss him. What ensues is a waiting game that I was determined to win. I had not struggled 37 years to achieve power to have it snatched from me by few guerrillas. About 10 minutes later Wet1 returns to announced that she had relented. The bloodless coup was over. My dictatorship was safe at least for 24 more hours. I need another strategy people. I appeal to you, my fellow world (blogoshpere) leaders for your support in this endeavor. No doubt some of you will be like France and sit by and watch society as we know it crumble but I know there are some of you out there who see the emerging danger and realize that the best defense is a strong offense. Any ideas? Anyone have the pager# for the Easter Bunny?
I"m Moving!!!!!
Hey guys and guy-ettes. Those of you who have been attempting to keep up with me for the latter part of 2003, probably forgot that I said I was going to be moving to a new place that will allow me to use MT. Well I haven't forgotten and behind the scenes I have been working to get everything set up. With the help of Asherah, DaGoddess and Mel (who is going to be my bloghost) I have achieved stasis. What does that mean? Well it means that I have the basic site ready but there are probably going to be a few tweaks here and there. I will officially STOP posting here and START posting there on New Year's Day. So for those of you who will be coherent on 1 Jan 04 stop by HERE and say hello. For those of you who will be 4 sheets to the wind I hope to see you on 2 Jan 04. (Don't forget to update your blogrolls,favorites,bookmarks with my new address. http://enigmaticmusings.highlymoody.com)
What is the purpose?
I had to go back to work yesterday. It was a freakin waste of time. This was time I could have spent at home wasting time. The difference you say? Well at least I'd be in a place I love with family. I spent the day doing little projects here and there. Not only was it Monday but it was very cold and very windy and rainy very hard. It doesn't look like much of a change for the rest of the week either. I don't see why they even bother with making us sit at our desk and pretend to work the weeks of Christmas and New Years. The amount of work done adds up to about one day of nose to the grindstone work. Two more days of this and then another 4 day weekend. WOO HOO!
Thursday, December 25, 2003
Happy Holidays!!
I wanna wish each and everyone of you a happy holiday! Even Google gets into the spirit of things.
1999
2000 (They got cheap this year)
2001
2002
2003
Tuesday, December 23, 2003
And still more holiday games
For those of us who have to work during the next two weeks HERE are some games that will help past the time.
IS there nothing sacred?
How can anyone mess with the sanctity of the Thundercats? These are my childhood memories they are stomping on HERE. OH THE HUMANITY!
Elves DON'T go Commando
As I wandered through my blogroll I visited Susie and found this post about Elves wearing panties. As I laughed at this I thought to myself of course elves would wear drawers. I'm sure it get's cold up there in the arctic wasteland that The Man (read Santa) has chosen to place his workshop. If you live there and don't want frozen nibblets you would wear drawers. Not those frilly Victoria's Secret waistband that pass for panties but industrial strength, little house on the prairie, Walton's mountain granny panties. I'm sure there is nothing worse than a frozen thong in the crack of your @$$. Talk about rosy cheeks.
Secret Santa- A throw back to a totalitarian regime?
Jodi has the guts to say what a lot of people want to but don't have the nog to say. Secret Santa sucks. Two of the main problems with the travesty called "Secret Santa" is 1) What if you draw the name of someone you hate? To make matters worse what if they know you hate them and they hate you? Talk about false holiday spirit.
Them: Thanks for the home knitted six fingered gloves.
You: You are welcome. Actually there's only ONE finger that matters when it comes to you though.
2) What does a guy get another guy that doesn't come off kind of sweet and cheesy? This is a question that has stumped males since the dawn of time. I mean if you have a female you can by all sorts of junk that women love. You know what I mean. Candles, bath oils or beads, lotions etc. Buy some of those for Bob and you might get some unwanted attention. I drew the name of a male co worker this year so I gave him a baseball and a basketball stress ball, various candies, and lottery tickets (The dollar scratch offs). For the big gift exchange that ended our Holiday party I gave him one of those little pool/basketball tables for his desk. I know I know I'm quite the little santa's helper. It's a gift.
Sunday, December 21, 2003
Something that is good
This holiday season I discovered a few things that are good;
1) My wife's Pumpkin Roll.
I normally don't like pumpkin but this stuff is great.
2) Nestle Toll House sugar cookies.
You know the ones that come frozen. You just break and bake. I normally don't
do the sugar cookie thing. In the past they have always had a play doughlike
after taste. But these bad boys...... I would commit murder for a batch of these.
Yes I would. When the judge asked me if I did it I would have no problem saying
yes I did and if you bake another batch I'd do it again. They are that good.
What's good for the goose...or Equal Opportunity
I have never been one of those guys that feels like women need to be treated differently when it comes to work. Don't get me wrong, I know that physically you sometimes need to make concessions for strength but that's about it as far as I'm concerned. Militarywise she took the same oath that I did. She chose the same career field that I did. She can do the same duties that come with the job just as I have to. Belive me I have been in situations where the females got to stay in the air conditioned office and work on the computer while the males had to work in the heat and sweat and do physical labor. That pissed me off. Is it wrong of me to feel that way? I don't think so.
Something else that I don't like? Being expected to do something because somewhere in your mind you feel that I should because I'm "The Man". Uhh hello? Who says that the male has to take out the trash, do yard work, and handle the finances? Why can't a woman do these things? When does having a penis mean that I am mandated to carry out the garbage? This weekend I did all of the laundry. I mean I washed every dirty item of clothing in the house. The Wife woke up on Saturday and felt bad because I was doing this. My answer to her? "I Live here too. Can't I wash clothes if I want too?" Sometimes a woman can manage bills a whole lot better than a man. The guy should get up off of his ego and let her do them. I am lucky to have married a woman that agrees with me on this. Let the person best suited for the job DO the job. What a novel concept huh?
Oh yeah. I have known a few guys that have messed around on their girlfriends/wives. I always ask them "What would you do if she was cheating on you?" The answer is most often. "I'd kill her." or "I'd put her out." Uhh Yoo Hoo aren't you the guy who is cheating as we speak? Why is it ok for you to creep but not her? Once again does having a penis automatically give you license to sleep around? I think not. If you can do it, so can she. How dare you get upset at her especially if you KNOW you have been doing it. What an @$$! Hmmm kinda reminds you of the old adage "Do unto others..." huh?
Old Age
How do you know that you are getting old? What are the tell tale signs that father time has snuck up and slapped the hell outta you repeatedly? That is a question for the ages(aged?). I went and picked up a CPAP machine this past week. It's supposed to help me to keep breathing when I fall asleep at night. Doesn't that sound like the apex of laziness? He was so lazy that he had to be forced to breathe. Naw. Im just joking. I'm not THAT lazy. Since moving to Northern Kali I have had a number of breathing problems (Allergy induced asthma). Is this a sign of old age? No? Well me shoulders have been hurting for about a week now like they used to when I did shrugs in the gym. I think this may be a visit by those Itis brothers (Burt and Arthur). Is this a sign of old age? Well during those two weeks when I went to Texas to get the Silver Bullet, I grew a goatee. Guess what? It had grey hair in it. NOW, is that a sign of old age? It is? Thanks for the confirmation.
Saturday, December 20, 2003
Rudolph revisited
This just cracked me up. I found it HERE
Admit it, parents. By now you're rooting for the Abominable Snowmonster, aren't you? Anything to add some variety to the 1,346th viewing of the Beloved Christmas Classic "Rudolph the Rednosed Reindeer."
Life goes like this:
Childhood: rapt enjoyment of Rudolph; faint sneers toward those babies who are scared of the Abominable Snowman, even though he sorta makes you wanta pee, too.
Teen years: studious ignoring of Rudolph to show how cool and goth you are, even though you secretly yearn to watch it.
Early 20s: kitschy, hip, ironic parties built around watching Rudolph, complete with speculation about the character's private lives; aren't you all so terribly witty?
Late 20s: if unmarried still, the sight of Rudolph at Christmas gives you a vague and unpleasant sense of mortality. Better get busy on the whole family-kid thing, lest you end up an old man gumming his holiday dinners from a microwave-safe dish in a rented room, with no cards on the mantle, no phone calls on Christmas Eve to wish you well, no -- whoa, I forgot, it's a Baywatch marathon on Spike TV! Awright!
Everyone loves the Rudolph Christmas special. But isn't there something, well, wrong about the show? Something that doesn't hold up after 30 years of scrutiny? Let's look at the cast.
Santa. If I may be frank: Mr. Kringle is a jerk for most of the picture. He goes to visit the newborn Rudolph, sees the red nose, and tells Rudolph's dad that he should fix that horrible abnormality, lest shame visit the House of Vixen for six generations. Or words to that effect. After Rudy flies better than any other reindeer -- a feat prompted by a coquettish doe's flattery -- he's everyone's hero, but his schnozz suddenly burns as red as Lenin's heart; what's Santa's reaction? Too bad your kid is a mutant weirdo. You must be very disappointed. Earlier Santa listens to the elves perform their latest song, "We Are Santa's Helpers," and it's a great tune. (They're all great tunes.) In essence we have some small creatures working in a non-union environment for Boss Claus, and in their spare time they come up with songs that not only swear their fealty to the old man but literally declare themselves his dependents. Santa rolls his eyes, tells them it needs work, and leaves the room. You think: Man, what a jerk.
Yukon Cornelius. Everyone's favorite, I suspect. Yukon brims with confidence and bluff hearty cheer. But this year I noticed something: he's packing heat. He has a pistol tucked in his belt. Of course, if Yukon emptied a clip on the Abominable in the second act, that would be the end of it, and kids would be traumatized. Parents would have to explain that the Snowman fell down in some ketchup, and now he's sleeping, and my stars, look at the hour! Time for bed.
King Moonracer. He's the ruler of the Island of Misfit Toys, a winged lion who flies around the planet every night looking for busted merchandise. They get to live on his island. I accepted this totally as a child, but now I wonder: Why doesn't Moonracer deliver the busted toys himself? Does Santa have the toy-distribution racket sewn up? Seems to me Moonracer could deliver the merch, kick back 20 percent to Claus out of respect, and everyone's happy, bada bing bada boom. But no: Moonracer asks Rudy et al. to tell Santa about the Island, so Santa can take the toys off his hands. This makes no sense. Santa and Moonracer are both flight-capable mythological figures occupying the Northern Pole ice sheets; if nothing else they'd bump into each other at Union conventions. One suspects that Moonracer has issues with Mr. Claus. Probably goes back to an argument at a party -- Kringle got a snootful of punch and said, So let me get this right, you're the king of remaindered merchandise? Where'd you get the crown, Marshall's or maybe Ross?
The Bumble. Let's recall the scene at the Bumble's cave. Rudy's gone. Dad's gone off to look for him. Mom and girlfriend have struck off on a separate quest. Yukon and dogs are looking for all of the above. And they all reach the Bumble's cave at the same moment? Right. Rudolph shows up just as Clarisse is about to be eaten -- and let us just note right here that the Bumble takes a long time to consume his victims. It's as if he's waiting for someone to come to the cave and offer some fresh-ground pepper.
You know, there's a bug in the program. Literally. This year we watched the show on the larger TV, and I saw something I'd never noticed before. The opening credits are written on Christmas presents; the camera pans right, stops on a box, then moves along to the next one. When we move to the box that tells us what Burl Ives sings, there's a small jerky black spot in the snow. When the camera pauses, the spot crawls around like a fly. When the camera moves along, the spot appears here, there, over there, then disappears. It all takes two seconds, maybe three -- but that's a fly. And it's the only thing in the show that's literally alive.
Nowadays they'd shrug: Ahh, we'll take it out with computers. In those days they just left it in: Who'd notice? The idea that people would be picking this thing apart 39 years later would have struck them as ridiculous -- why, surely by 2003 kids would be watching live broadcasts of Santa visiting the Moon colonies.
No. We're still watching Rudolph. Bad lip-syncs, curious motivations, a testy Santa, patriarchal deer -- doesn't matter. You look at the show and you hear the tunes and you're a kid again. And if you're a kid already -- so much the better.
Note to Charlie in the Box: Did it ever occur to you to just say your name was Jack? It's not like kids ask for your ID, you know.
Some more holiday games
Here are some more holiday games to help you wile away that mandatory time of day they like to call "work" time. Waste some time playing with Santa's balls. (smirk)
Enjoy! CLICK
PSA: Cat's seek to destroy Christmas
At first I thought it was just me, but as I surfed the net I have noticed a trend of people complaining that their cats are destroying christmas bulbs, lights, pulling over trees, tearing open presents. Me thinks there is more to this than at first it seems. (don't ask) Just the other day I went into the living room first thing in the morning to realize that the christmas lights in the window were off. Assuming The Wife cut them off before bed I went on about my daily routine. Later that night I realized that the VCR was not working. After careful investigation on my part, I discovered that L.C. (Lazy Cat) had not "unplugged" the lights but had turned off the surge protector that had the christmas lights AND the VCR, that we had watched christmas toons on the previous night, plugged into it. Now you tell me that that isn't damned suspicious. Oh and the dog is in on it also...in exchange for her silent partnership the cat leaves her tasty treats (read: tootsie rolls with a crunchy outer coating) in the litter box (read:The drop off/pick up point). I'm sure it's done all in the spirit of Christmas. Riiiiiiiigggghhhhhtttt.
And as if that wasn't proof enough of the comin CAT-astophe (pronounced CAT + ASS + Trophy). The shining example of cat arrogance has a movie coming out. CLICK
It was The Year Without a Santa Claus
One of the things I love about the christmas holidays is that I can watch the various Rankin and Bass christmas shows without feeling like some kind of freak. I mean come on who can get past the jerky animation, the sugary sweet ideology of these shows without going NOW THAT'S CHRISTMAS!!!!! One look at Yukon Cornelius, Baby New Year, The Winter Warlock (Winter ..please), Burgermeister Meister burger and you are hooked. The highlight of the season is the classic "The Year Without a Santa Claus" which included in it's cast the most talented brothers to ever entertain (since the 5 balck boys from Gary Indiana who had the lead singer to grow up and become white) THE MISER BROTHERS. If you share my love for this epic tale of angst, depression, and sibling rivalry GO HERE read and vote.
You can also GO HERE and take a Christmas TV Quiz!
Friday, December 19, 2003
Ghosts for Christmas?
I am at a lost of words for the ad execs at Mcdonalds and Disney. Well not actually at a lost of words or I wouldn't be writing this blog now would I? Christmas is a time of Santa, Frosty, Rudolph and all other wintery characters. So why would you release a movie like "The Haunted Mansion"? You're looking for Halloween. You are about two or three holidays late.
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